Colin Kaepernick Under Investigation for Sexual Assault
Colin Kaepernick, the star San Francisco 49ers quarterback who is so enamored with his own body that he kisses his bicep every time he scores a touchdown, is under investigation for a sexual assault alleged to have occurred in Miami. Police probing of the assault, said to have happened at the Viceroy Hotel earlier this month, is in the "beginning stages," although a police report alleges that the incident involved a ton of booze, weed, and the victim waking up in a hospital bed with no idea how she got there. For their part, the 49ers say they are in the process of "gathering facts." Another Niner and a Seahawks are also believed to have been involved.